“I miss you”

“I miss you”

That’s what you say

Words mean so little compared to your actions

When I missed you…

I gave into your beck and call

I showed up on your doorstep

I bent into shapes and molten colors you needed to see

But you left

When I needed you, you left

Now you crawl to me

Saying “I miss you”

All this time I had missed you too

But that’s gone now

The bitterness was drowned

in cries

in nights alone

in missed calls

it’s too late

for me to miss you too.

 

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Space

A space of no more than two bedrooms. Just enough to fit a couch, but oh how that couch made you feel. 3:30 a.m. and insomnia never felt so comforting. Sinking into it along with every worry. Green and yellow pillows that hold onto anxiety; that palms gripped onto when life grasped around necks. A small balcony holding laughter, holding the smallest yet most cherished. The most mysterious of all: the floor. Although not always kind, the floor held secrets and the floor never judged. Backhanding when deserved and hand-holding when needed.  All coming together to create comfort in the loneliness. It was just a space, but to her it was so much more.

Gratification

Gratification
being alone 

makes a person feel

everything.

they’ll completely find themselves

but instead of falling in love

 for themselves,

with themselves…

they begin to hate. 

without the presence 

of other beings 

there’s no gratification.
we say we don’t need it 

—gratification— 

but that’s the world we live in.

a constant need to be liked 

by everyone else

except yourself. 
settling for the empty love

of each other.

ignorance

ignorance is bliss

the barren silence that lies between two shaken souls

it’s ignored

no replies

no reaching out

ignoring the depths

and pretending time will heal

ignorance is bliss

until someone

hurts

dies

leaves

the other is left

with hatred

with pain

with the pondering message of what could’ve been

what could’ve been if

message was left

hand was held out

question was asked

time is running

with or without the ignorant beings

so is the ‘bliss’ worth it?

drop it.

so i sat down and asked myself: what do i want from this life?

lately i’ve been craving something more. i want more than standardized conformities that society places on young women and young adults for that matter. we’re expected to grow up in the span of nine months. in nine months we are expected to grow into adults and figure all of life out. yet we’re expected to do this all while sitting in a desk learning how calculate these equations, learn these words, memorize this body. we’re given such minimal time to sit back and think about what we want to do with the life we were given. at the same time it’s demanded we know. now.

i used to be the kid that compulsively checked their grades. to the point that, thinking back, was extremely unhealthy. the educational system has brought students to become, as i like to refer to as “point whores”. i listen to my classmates moan and groan over missing two points on a sixty point test. cry over having less than a ninety-four percent in a class. to the point where the learning is no longer important, but being better than each other has become important. it’s this system of rankings and classes of students that’s made a learning environment slightly hostile. after realizing how exhausted i was from trying to keep up with something that was’t necessary…i mean i got into a college, i’ve had an upkeep on my grades since freshmen year…letting myself earn a B versus an A senior year was NOT going to kill.

instead it’s given me a lot of time to think. so with thinking i’ve started writing. at first to kill time…and relieve my brain. then i realized why not turn something i enjoyed into something that i would call a career?  why not run with what i’ve started? i always get a lot of looks when i say i want write, endlessly, for the rest of my life. ideally in a small little apartment with another side job. it’s persistent comments of “well that’s not going to make you much money”. that’s where i see the education system failing students. in the essential factor that what a young adult decides to turn their life into should bring them an endless abundance of joy. it shouldn’t be about the price value of an occupation that attracts a student to a career. just as grades shouldn’t be about the points, but the learning itself.

it took me steeping back and looking at what was going on to realize that what i always wanted to do wasn’t for ME. through letting the social norms of society go,. whether it’s age, shape, thinking, plans…etc. everything in life has a “typical” place, but realizing that what’s typical isn’t for every being has become most beneficial for myself. especially in learning who i am.

so i urge you to take a step back. not to figure it out all in one moment, but to let yourself form into who you feel you’d be most happy with. after all, we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives with everyone else. at the end of the day, you go home with yourself. if your not happy with yourself, how will you ever be happy?

 

xxx

She

She let them break her down.

Every night wondered where she went wrong.

Over the years, she built up a lot of hate.

Why had God challenged her on any path she chose?

It felt as if the universe wanted her to fail.

She looked up at the sky one night.

Listed off everything she was thankful for.

Among the list was everything she hated.

Because without the challenge, she’d have nothing to overcome.

Collateral Damage

the worst part was that she cared.

she cared so deeply for them,

yet she was foolish enough inflict pain.

foolish enough to try and push away.

pushing away didn’t make things better.

it made things harder.

harder for her to deal with herself.

harder to sleep.

harder to cope with everything.

she became so afraid of losing sanity without them,

that they decided in themselves

to walk away.

she was so blind to all of the

care

love

support

that she lost it over being careless

with her time

with her actions

with her words.

something she preached so passionately,

she herself was unable to follow through with.

she made someone her collateral damage.

and that would forever eat her alive.