A space of no more than two bedrooms. Just enough to fit a couch, but oh how that couch made you feel. 3:30 a.m. and insomnia never felt so comforting. Sinking into it along with every worry. Green and yellow pillows that hold onto anxiety; that palms gripped onto when life grasped around necks. A small balcony holding laughter, holding the smallest yet most cherished. The most mysterious of all: the floor. Although not always kind, the floor held secrets and the floor never judged. Backhanding when deserved and hand-holding when needed. All coming together to create comfort in the loneliness. It was just a space, but to her it was so much more.
makes a person feel
they’ll completely find themselves
but instead of falling in love
they begin to hate.
without the presence
of other beings
there’s no gratification.
we say we don’t need it
but that’s the world we live in.
a constant need to be liked
by everyone else
settling for the empty love
of each other.
ignorance is bliss
the barren silence that lies between two shaken souls
no reaching out
ignoring the depths
and pretending time will heal
ignorance is bliss
the other is left
with the pondering message of what could’ve been
what could’ve been if
message was left
hand was held out
question was asked
time is running
with or without the ignorant beings
so is the ‘bliss’ worth it?
so i sat down and asked myself: what do i want from this life?
lately i’ve been craving something more. i want more than standardized conformities that society places on young women and young adults for that matter. we’re expected to grow up in the span of nine months. in nine months we are expected to grow into adults and figure all of life out. yet we’re expected to do this all while sitting in a desk learning how calculate these equations, learn these words, memorize this body. we’re given such minimal time to sit back and think about what we want to do with the life we were given. at the same time it’s demanded we know. now.
i used to be the kid that compulsively checked their grades. to the point that, thinking back, was extremely unhealthy. the educational system has brought students to become, as i like to refer to as “point whores”. i listen to my classmates moan and groan over missing two points on a sixty point test. cry over having less than a ninety-four percent in a class. to the point where the learning is no longer important, but being better than each other has become important. it’s this system of rankings and classes of students that’s made a learning environment slightly hostile. after realizing how exhausted i was from trying to keep up with something that was’t necessary…i mean i got into a college, i’ve had an upkeep on my grades since freshmen year…letting myself earn a B versus an A senior year was NOT going to kill.
instead it’s given me a lot of time to think. so with thinking i’ve started writing. at first to kill time…and relieve my brain. then i realized why not turn something i enjoyed into something that i would call a career? why not run with what i’ve started? i always get a lot of looks when i say i want write, endlessly, for the rest of my life. ideally in a small little apartment with another side job. it’s persistent comments of “well that’s not going to make you much money”. that’s where i see the education system failing students. in the essential factor that what a young adult decides to turn their life into should bring them an endless abundance of joy. it shouldn’t be about the price value of an occupation that attracts a student to a career. just as grades shouldn’t be about the points, but the learning itself.
it took me steeping back and looking at what was going on to realize that what i always wanted to do wasn’t for ME. through letting the social norms of society go,. whether it’s age, shape, thinking, plans…etc. everything in life has a “typical” place, but realizing that what’s typical isn’t for every being has become most beneficial for myself. especially in learning who i am.
so i urge you to take a step back. not to figure it out all in one moment, but to let yourself form into who you feel you’d be most happy with. after all, we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives with everyone else. at the end of the day, you go home with yourself. if your not happy with yourself, how will you ever be happy?
She let them break her down.
Every night wondered where she went wrong.
Over the years, she built up a lot of hate.
Why had God challenged her on any path she chose?
It felt as if the universe wanted her to fail.
She looked up at the sky one night.
Listed off everything she was thankful for.
Among the list was everything she hated.
Because without the challenge, she’d have nothing to overcome.
the worst part was that she cared.
she cared so deeply for them,
yet she was foolish enough inflict pain.
foolish enough to try and push away.
pushing away didn’t make things better.
it made things harder.
harder for her to deal with herself.
harder to sleep.
harder to cope with everything.
she became so afraid of losing sanity without them,
that they decided in themselves
to walk away.
she was so blind to all of the
that she lost it over being careless
with her time
with her actions
with her words.
something she preached so passionately,
she herself was unable to follow through with.
she made someone her collateral damage.
and that would forever eat her alive.
in the past years i’ve based my resolutions off of something drastic. a change to my life that i would have to start new. this year i’m deciding to do something a little different. i’m bettering something that i started to do near the end of 2016.
resolution: to become a better spender.
now, this can apply to money (which i can justify that i struggle with). but i’m learning towards being a better spender of my time. time is more valuable than money will ever be. money can always be earned, but time can’t be. once time is spent it’s gone. so why aren’t we learning how to be moe careful in the ways we spend it? i’m someone who has a hard time saying no. i think a lot of us struggle with that. putting our own happiness first. we hesitate. not doing what will make us happy because a) money b) time c) it’s not realistic / not possible. but if there’s something you truly want in your life, you’ll make it possible. if it’s meant to be in your life then everything will work itself out. you want to travel? go. you want to try new things? try them. so much stress is created with “i wish” and “what if” when we have all the power to make it possible. the question and factor in it all is if the risk is worth your chance at utter happiness. most of the time the answer is yes. yes what i want is worth the risk or work to get there. you’d be surprised at how life will balance itself out when you just let yourself be happy or do what is going to make you happy.
there are filters on life as to what needs to happen. go to college. get a degree. get a job. get married and settle down. be friends with these people and only do these certain things that are socially acceptable. but if that doesn’t make you happy, then why in the world are you doing it?!
2016 was full of hardship. everyone had struggles. there are still struggles and worries going into this year. people are what is going to get you through it all. i learned that who i thought made me happy two years ago, didn’t make me happy anymore. and that’s okay to walk away from toxicity. i learned that sometimes the people or person you least expect will be an awakening to something 1000x better. i’d rather have one or two supportive and enlightening people to go through life with than twenty people with surface level relationships. no one is forcing you to be around certain people. that’s the lovely characteristic about life is that we can walk away and each make our own decisive choices. if people have judgements then let them have those perceived notions, because you are putting your own happiness first.
there’s no right way to live life. you choose your own path. you make your own choices. instead of “new year, new you” think of “new year, better you” because you don’t need to change yourself. learn. grow. get better.
happy new year.
Our generation is astonishing to me. We are such a blessed group of people with the cards we were dealt: access to technology, tremendous support systems (in most cases), and a feel of ease in life that anything is possible. Those were the cards we were dealt. With that comes burdens that we aren’t even fully aware that we have created: narcissism, judgement of others, superficial relationships, lack of work ethic, feeling that we ‘deserve it’ just because we were told that we do. Those are the qualities in which I’m sure many of us are unaware that we, as a generation, have created for each other. While there may be no clear answer as to how or why we got here, lately I’ve attempted to look at the most influential part of our lives.
So let’s talk social media.
This is where I think the problem has derived from. Truly. It started out as something fun you went on when you had extra time. Something that never really had a ton of meaning behind what went out there. As the media is advancing, so are we. It has become filters, updates, constant feedback, and a lot of times criticism and judgement. How many times do you upload a photo without passing it by 3-4 people first asking whether or not the majority of viewers will like it or what the caption of some photo should be. It’s gone from something that is supposed to be a true reflection of ourselves and turned into something that has a become a measurement as to what should be socially acceptable. Not just that, but even pertaining to as who can be viewed as socially acceptable. Now, I’m not saying that all of us are like this, but a lot of us are…and we may not even realize we have been dragged into this deepening cycle. With guys we aren’t seeing such a big issue with this…but girls we are quite terrible.
Social media for girls has become a hostile environment. It’s just the reality of it. Whether someone is really putting themselves out there or not, we are mean to each other. Both on social media and off. So this once small insecurity a girl had about herself now turns into a bigger issue. Nothing is ever quite perfect. It has created a game of comparisons to each other. Who has the best ‘face’? Who says the right things? Who puts out there what everyone expects of them? Always waiting to point out flaws in others. As if putting down others will make us feel better about our own insecurities.
Pressure. That’s essentially what we are putting on each other.
It’s put this expectation on us to be what we put out on social media. When in reality, social media only portrays a small moment of our lives. We’re expecting so much from ourselves and each other to be ‘perfect’ as if that really exists. This idea of perfection within the media has shut us down from raw and true relationships with the people around us. How can someone be hurting if they look so happy in these pictures? WE’ve started to not just put filters on our pictures, but our lives. We hesitate to check in with each other. To reach out and have these real conversations and meaningful moments because the moments in reality may sway from what others thought of us. Knowing someone for who they are deep down, for their raw personality is so beautiful. We’re missing out on these relationships. The learning that we can do from each other if we just love.
In order to love ourselves fully, we need to learn how to show love to each and every being around us. Because we are all so beautiful. We each are so unique and have such raw ideas to offer.
Yes, the cards we were dealt have caused this spiraling mess and while it may never get better, we can try. It starts with love. Everyone.
Don’t lose your innocence.
Don’t lose that little sparkle in your eye from fascination.
Don’t stop seeing the beauty in everyone.
Don’t quit staying up late dreaming about anything and everything.
Don’t let them tell you who you are.
Don’t allow yourself to close up like a shell.
Don’t listen to the boy next to you, comparing his distorted views of beauty.
Don’t let them tell you you’re too young to understand.
Don’t be afraid to do what makes YOU happy.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to others.
Don’t refrain from asking for help, because everyone needs it sometimes.
Please don’t stop.
You are beautiful. You are kind. You are important.
Your words are valued. Your thoughts are unique.
You are needed.
Who are you? Most of us can’t answer that question. Some of us can, but have an ever-changing answer. I’ve always perceived life as a journey. That after a certain point in high school I would figure out what I wanted to do with my life. While I know what I want to do when I get out into the world, I still don’t know WHO I want to be. Finding an identity. Experiences shape a person. Some early on, some much later. Experiences, often times, shape an identity. Or at least that’s what we hope. It’s important to learn from what we’ve been dealt, but more importantly to teach others about our own journeys. I like to think that we all have chapters in our lives. Learning from other’s that are in different chapters…now that’s precious. It’s undeniable that lessons are to be learned from those that have experienced the up and coming. It’s also important that respect is shown to each and every journey. No two journeys are the same. No two lives are the same. And that my lovelies, is that beauty of it all. Each of us is MISFIT. Trying to find another who grasps a hold of a small part of their journey. If everyone came together to help each other. To spread love. To spread life. To spread happiness. Now imagine a world like that.
So. I may not know exactly where I am on this journey called life, but join me as I uncover it. Hopefully you’ll find comfort in discomfort with me.
Stay True. XXX.